High Tide

My life has changed in so many ways since recovering from a deep depression that stole years of my life. How many I’m not exactly sure. Surviving it was a feat in itself I’ve come to realise as I look back – something I try not to do too often . I am not ashamed of my depression & refuse to hide from it being such a life changing occurrence.

I will never be the same.

The changes in my life are not just the physical circumstances I find myself in but are more about the way I see & feel things in relation to it.

My emotions run deep inside of me but are very much just under the surface most of the time & ready to spill over.

Obviously I am happier than I have been in the past but strangely I can also feel a sadness that is extremely raw & leaves me feeling completely exposed.

It nearly always comes with an empty feeling of regret. The choices I have made have not always been good ones & I always feel that burden.

I feel I’m at high tide. All the time.

My emotions always ready to spill over & flood me & those unlucky enough to be around me when my banks break can often be sunk with me as I scramble to stay afloat, no matter the cost. Mainly I just feel myself holding my breath as I feel myself sink below the waterline.

I remember when our feelings were very much contained if not hidden – a result from a mixture of upbringing, culture & the general sub-culture of Australian men of my generation. I am 46 years young.

We just didn’t really ever talk about how we are feeling any deeper than what someone could probably work out themselves by looking at you. I realise this has been a mistake when it comes to our deeper mental health & sense of well being. It has especially been a big factor in our generational feeling of isolation in a technologically more connected world.

Although I believe now that I am fully recovered, the reality is I was an undiagnosed or misdiagnosed bipolar & that is something I can’t reverse. But the truth is I wouldn’t want to now I have a better understanding of what lense it is I have been given to see the world through.

I now understand myself better & just as important if not more so, I understand people in general more and on a much deeper level. My emotions are felt rather than thought & my understanding of the vast range of them is much clearer.

I now live unmasked & while I wouldn’t say I am completely exposed, I am definitely not hiding behind any false walls of identity or security. I definitely feel more a part of the universe instead of just an observer who occasionally interacts.

So I guess I’m saying my bipolar diagnosis is my super power & not my kryptonite. (I’m hearing you Kanye.) If that is a little over the top, then in the least it is at least my gift.

I realise now that it is a gift of connection & not disconnection after all. Just like everything else in life it was and remains what it is primarily in which we choose to see it. In which way we choose for it to be an accepted part of ourselves that was obtained through the lottery of our DNA.

So that’s why I feel like I’m at high tide… being flooded by everything around me. But instead of going under and drowning, I have learnt to lay on my back & float. Now I look up and remember that there is a vast & seemingly endless blue sky behind those dark storm clouds.