I used to think that loneliness was simply about being alone. But it’s more than that. It is a state of mind as much as it is a feeling.
Extreme cases of loneliness can cause both physical and emotional pain. And the number of people around you has no bearing on how that feeling can take away any reason you have to want to continue to live like that.
In the moments after I first wakeup each day, it is the silence that reminds me of what my life is now. It is a silence that re-breaks my heart every single day. It isn’t just the fact that there is no kids noise. It is a silence that thins the air and makes it hard to breathe.
There are no good days and bad days. There are the ones that you somehow got through and others that you can’t see how you will. I knew very quickly that this was going to be very, very bad for me.
Not having my kids with me every day wasn’t something I think I would survive. In fact, I still don’t know.
Part of absolute loneliness is not just having no one to talk to. It is the feeling that even if you did they wouldn’t understand you anyway.
I knew I couldn’t tell my wife how I didn’t know if I would survive this. I missed her but at the same time I had a lot of anger inside for her and would never understand how she could do this to the kids. How she could do it to me.
But I understand now. I understand that I was impossible to live with. I understand how tiring my bipolar highs and lows must be on anyone trying to live a normal, peaceful life.
And I understand that it could never be ok for anyone to have to watch someone go through it even if you love them. Because it defeats love. It’s defeats even the wisest of the wise. But still, I just don’t want to talk about it.