I have been reading a great deal about behaviour the last few months. What started as an Interest in different ways to discipline kids turned into a journey into the human psych and our perceptions.
The power of our minds (thats right, minds with an ‘s’) is so vast but also so pliable, its susceptiblity to bias from what we experience and where, makes our opinions questionable at best.
What i mean is our minds have all this power but this very power is what also works against us by being able to convince ourselves of things that just aren’t true.
I wonder just how any of us stay together in any continued happy and loving relationship. As it turns out, it seems not many actually do.
Many of us are trading convenience, safety and of course supposedley good sex for our happiness. Or we are telling ourselves we are happy because we can’t stand the thought that we are not.
I know statistics say that quite a few of us do remain in the one relationship, a few possibly even happily. I’m sure if you dug a little deeper though, that for many their definition of ‘happily married’ would be akin to “Well, I guess I’m not unhappy at least.” Seriously.
I would hope that happiness is more than the fact that we are not un-happy. Surely the bar must be raised higher because that’s a club I don’t want to be a member of. Imagine singing:
“Glad you’re not unhappy Birthday to you…” Something like that anyway.
I’m starting to believe that, more often than not, long term love exist fear-based and avoid- pain – at – all -costs reality than there being any chance of a truly romantic “we love each other more everyday” type of bullshit.
How two people how these to see and record any one simple experience is just amazing that they have any understanding or are in agreement about simply anything and everything.
It is just fact that over say, ten years, a married couple would have such a different “recording” of their life together you would think they swapped their spouse with a neighbour.
I wouldn’t test this theory though. Just take it for granted that if you do test it, you are ino a life shock of proportions no way could you prepare yourself for.
Basically, you don’t know each other. Thankfully, through our decreasing discussions and interactions as marriage time increases and we become supposedley familiar, we don’t learn how much you don’t know this person who was on the same path as you for ten plus years, but the map he would draw of it would be another world away from your partner.
I could bore you and go on for hours about how none of really know each other. Basically, over time it is actually impossible. You won’t agree with what they recall and think . You cannot fight someone’s Psych…
There are several psychological principles that make us prone to distortion when we interpret the behavior of others.
For example, the fundamental attribution error says that when we observe other people’s behavior – especially seemingly bad behavior – we are more likely to assume that it was due to their character or disposition than to the situation.
However, with our own behavior and mistakes we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and blame the situation. Always.
Is that what is happening now? Might you be putting undue emphasis on someone’s personality or character rather than the situation they found themselves in?
Our own experience and life in general is littered with stories of the evil and the wicked, the goodies and baddies are a part of our psyche. But aren’t we all both?