The In-Between 

Life transitions, even when good, are always difficult. They are always slow and gradual …but so often there comes a point in time where we are in shock at how quickly things changed. 

    There are often times where I have felt lost, like I was no longer the same person I once was and I miss that person desperately.  I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.

   I was also unsure of the person I was becoming or even wanted to be. When life gets chaotic for some of us, we often find ourselves doing things or acting in a way we are not proud of.  But it is important to remember that our mistakes do not define us any more than our successes do.

  There have been  times where I felt conflicted and confused, a deep sadness that is hard to put in words. I mourned for a past self that I knew I would never see again while anxiously awaiting a future self who seemingly would never come. 

The in-between…

    Old habits, both good and bad, have fallen by the wayside while I’ve picked up both good and bad habits to fill their space. I’ve lost too many friends and have held resentment for them for a long time. 

   I blamed a lot of people for things that were happening to me and the changes that were taking place while I let myself fall into the abyss of depression. I get that it must of been hard to understand from their point of view. I also get that my best mate bailed me out one time to the tune of quarter mil . I thought if get it back to 

    But these were my best friends. We had lived together for the ten years beforehand and I got less than a phonecall in the three years of being really sick and nothing after that. It was like I never happened and to this day I will never understand what they were thinking.

   So right now, I’m just trying to slow it all down. My life seems to be one of constant change, a permanent transition in time that remains out of focus.

   While I accept this is inevitable somewhat, the time has come where I need to point my mind in a direction the best I can. If I can’t turn the motor off, I should at least try and regain control of the steering.

   I will endeavour to be in the present moment as much as possible. When I ask myself who I am now I will accept the answer, regardless of what it is or how it came to be.

   I will untie the past so I can get back to the surface to breathe…before I go back to fix it or at least fix it into place so that it can remain somewhat constant.

   I will not fall into old habits of doing anything out of guilt from past mistakes. I won’t agree or continue to accept that I have in some way been an intentionally bad person and should take responsibility, blame and the repercussions of  our actions when we make bad choices and then are judged by someone we love as if that is who we are as if anyone,  except the very rarest of humans, isn’t more than the worst devisions we have made.

I will not let hypocrisy & judgement continue to be cast on me out of context & out order. I will not compensate the past or anyone who wont stop living in it with my silence. My silence is always without doubt, misinterpreted.

   The in-between. That is where I no longer want to reside. That void some of us stay forever while some of us don’t even know we are there.

I know that I’m still in for a hell of a ride – I’ve made so many waves it would be impossible to consider smooth or calm waters immediately ahead. If ever. I think my life might often be an uphill walk with the wind in my face and rarely on my back. But I promise this. To myself at least…

   I am going to find out who I am. I will tell the stories that need to be told and forget the ones I can’t learn from after I do.

   I will seek forgiveness where I need to and draw a line in the sand so any open wounds & baseless blame can stop weeping & begin to heal. Begin to turn to scar tissue so as I am not lime a weeping infection.

 Closure is a load of shit. In fact, closure is such an absolutely self-serving load of crap that the people who call it in as something they need to move forward should think about stepping back.

 Facing the truth about my life and myself, the mistakes I’ve made and will continue to make is all the closure I need. I will not accept blame in the absence of truth. I will love myself enough to put the proof of burden on these people that are aleays pointing at others. Outward, always outward. Never in.

    The uncomfortable truth of how sick I was needs its own voice. I will let that whole section adlib.  I would have to acknowledge how I was left for dead by friends, family & many others I had saved from falling at one time or another. The depth of that pain hasn’t even begun to hurt. Maybe it never will.

   I run off with these thoughts & run to tje safety of  the in-between. That void of nothingness that keeps us safe from the world. Or ourselves. Where i am neither here or there in mind or body. The lies can not stick on somerhing that doesn’t exist or can’t be seen.

I will Forgive those that should of asked if i was ok and not listened to the answer. Just as i will forgive myself for the pain I have caused myself and the collateral damage that continues to be assessed and judged.

But mainly, all i will do is make peace with what is, what was and both the part I played and those that I didn’t. Let go of the guilt and refuse to timetravel.

I will Refuse to live anywhere but in the very moment i am in. I will remain in the moment and be present in my own sense of self…or someone in-between.

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The Resurrected Trader

I was the youngest 'local' trader in history on the Sydney Futures Exchange. There wasn't any other place I should be. I went from nearly nothing to having everything I ever wanted materially. The house on the harbour, the Porsche & Harley, an abundance of cash, drugs and everything else I could waste money on. My risk taking was out of control and if anyone knew the truth, they would think of me as insane. Certifiable. Then one day it was gone and life as I had come to know it was over. I'd lost everything I had and more. These are my thoughts in the aftermath. In my battle to stay afloat and ultimately, my fight for survival.

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