Fifty Shades of Truth

Even the most honest people lie sometimes. Intentionally, accidentally, perhaps even unknowingly. But it doesn’t matter. Because a lie is a lie. 

Or is it?

When we care about someone, the last thing we want to tell them is that we don’t like their new haircut, or that the meal they just prepared for us tastes like crap, or that their bum really does look fat in those jeans.

 So in not telling them what you really think, we have already decided that lying is ok sometimes. And there is where the problem lies. Who decides where and when the boundaries are according to that theory? 

   Maybe not telling the truth about opinion is not a lie. And maybe only when we intentionally deceive regarding known facts is when hiding the truth requires reclassification and consideration. 

I believe that sort of reasoning leaves a huge grey area. It really means a lie is really only determined by the person telling the story and if they felt justified in deceiving their pouncrdeciding whether it is a lie or not. 

 Forget 50. Its more like ‘Endless shades of grey’ when it comes to not revealing the truth, purposely not telling the truth to outright deceipt.

Or maybe a lie is a lie, and it’s ultimately bad no matter how well-intentioned it is because dishonesty is NEVER better than honesty.

I don’t think we’ll ever know because humans are never going to collectively start telling the whole truth. And if we did, we’d be fighting in the streets. You better believe it.

   So yeah, I lie a bit. Compulsively even sometimes maybe. And I probably have been at times guilty of not calling myself out early enough. I find its a habit of self protection and convenience when life has you in the trenches or by the balls.

But the truth is, I can’t remember lying to cover up something i did wrong or because i was trying to get away with something sinister. Well not rarely, never.

I lied a lot to protect those that I cared about from knowing the madness that was my life. The amount of money I’ve made and spent would make many ‘normal’ peoples head fall off. I’m not kidding. When I think about it, my own head nearly leaves my shoulders and rolls away to hide.

It doesn’t matter to me if you believe that or not. It doesn’t matter to me if some of those people want to still label me a liar. They would call me out believing they always told the truth.

But that wasn’t true. Everybody lies. A lot. We just don’t realise most of the time or call ourselves out.

It reached a stage in my life where some of those close to me decided to take it upon themselves to make the label stick. They would leave me because they didn’t trust me. The truth is my life and its lack of a plan, scared them.

Eventually they would leave me for doing what everyone does every single day. They would leave me because the cognitive bias in their brains tricked them into thinking that’s what I did. As in ALL the time. About everything.

So the label stuck and people started to think it more and more. It caught on for a while like the flu. I don’t know why. Throw a gambling issue at times in the mix and that helped the shitty judgement, I’m sure.

So my word wasn’t trusted more than everyone else’s for whatever self righteous reason their broken brains told them. I knew it was fear. Fear that I couldn’t tell them “what I was doing with my life”.

It was a really bad gig though I must admit. It started to affect more and more parts of my life and I found it getting to me.

I found that even if it was said in jest by some idiot at a party or friend using me in one of their stories, I would get instantly defensive and ghost that person from then on as much as possible.

This eventually left me alone.

All I could think of in the end was what an absolute load of crap. Absolute bullshit. How a label stains someone regardless of intention or the reality.

So people leave us for supposed entrenched dishonesty. And it will take more than proving them wrong to change their perception.

But surely that can’t be the only reason our wives and girlfriends leave us. And our friends. Maybe we’ll never really know why attraction and trust went away and they left.

Or why we chose someone else. Or why love died. Or why you both got bored of trying in bed. Or hanging out.

Or whether love and attraction were ever present in the first place. Maybe the biggest lie is the one we tell ourselves.

Maybe everyone has a secret they’ll never tell. And maybe being afraid of everyone, or even just one person, discovering that secret will keep us “lying” our entire lives.

Maybe those lies—or rather undiscovered truths—will prevent us from ever “solving” the problems that harm or end our relationships, sometimes ruining our lives.

Maybe we never really know someone all the way.

And, just maybe, even if we do know someone all the way, they don’t always stay the person we’ve gotten to know.

And, just maybe, we don’t always stay the person we think we’ve gotten to know.

And, just maybe, when you can no longer stand the hypocrisy that is left when someone takes it upon themselves to cast judgement on you at any given time & then deciding that said judgement is who you are instead of it being what behaviour or action you have done that hurt or angered them. 

    Maybe we all have a limit to how much injustice we can take whether at home, in the workplace or in a law court, maybe we all just break somewhere we can’t see but only feel. And then we walk away. 

   Without resolution or forgiveness. We walk away because not walking away will kill the remaining parts of yourself that make it impossible to ever be whole again.

I can’t say the sometimes overwhelming feeling of hurt and anger ever go away. That Forgiveness was always lauded, was always impressed upon and that along with the miracle of God , was always referred to as our guaranteed fallback and safety net. 

   But that Forgiveness never extended to me. For strangers and for anyone who even referred to the church as tbere place of worship. 

  • So as the wedge is jammed through your heart and reaching the point of no return, we continue in our search for the truth, knowing that it is really hard for myself 3
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The Resurrected Trader

I was the youngest 'local' trader in history on the Sydney Futures Exchange. There wasn't any other place I should be. I went from nearly nothing to having everything I ever wanted materially. The house on the harbour, the Porsche & Harley, an abundance of cash, drugs and everything else I could waste money on. My risk taking was out of control and if anyone knew the truth, they would think of me as insane. Certifiable. Then one day it was gone and life as I had come to know it was over. I'd lost everything I had and more. These are my thoughts in the aftermath. In my battle to stay afloat and ultimately, my fight for survival.

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