My Only Fear

When I was trading 18 hours a day, I had no sense of what I was risking. Or maybe I did, but just refused to acknowledge it’s existence or the possible effects it would have if things went wrong.

If I thought something, I would do it and act on that thought instinctively and quickly. When I traded my best, I found this process would be automatic and seamless.

Hesitation meant that I was second guessing myself, which in turn meant my confidence wasn’t where it needed to be to trade the best of my abilities. Which basically just meant the confidence to put my balls on the line at any given time.

In hindsight I realise that I just refused to look at the looming disaster ahead that I was creating in order to escape the world I had created for myself.

It was a world of seemingly endless cashflow, no rules, anything materially I ever dreamt and more, a hazy world of wasting what I couldn’t spend or give away, drugs and partying, travelling the world in style whenever I wanted and just basic excess.

But the happiness I thought would be part of having all that just never seem to come. I was empty inside. So as I took on risks that most people would not even believe and lived with abandon, it was just a case of when, not if, I would atomically implode.

I knew it was coming and I knew it was going to be monumentally life damaging. My eyes were shut wide open as the sand fell through the hourglass of my life.

The hourglass that held the secret of when my whole life as I knew it would be nuked beyond comprehension.

 I thought that I had no fear and that the fears of normal people didn’t and couldn’t effect me.  I realise now that I was probably more fearful of myself than anything else. 

So if I did have this underlying fear, it was one in which I had every reason to worry. One that I didn’t act upon or ask for help with… although I do look back and wonder what the hell was everyone around me seeing.

Why didn’t someone say something?

Maybe because I wouldnt of listened anyway. To really take advice, you need to have an underlying fear of what the world could do to you.

As it turned out, my only fear turned out to be premonition. It turned out that I was right when it came to what would bring my downfall and I was also not imagining things when I saw how my worst enemy was never far away. It was inside me.

Its was growing and feeding off my unexplained guilt of my hard earned success. The feeling that I had to give so much away as if I could make out my success was only accepted by me if I gave it away or wasted it.

So as the boundaries of excess and risk were pushed to such limits off what now seems little less than self-induced psychosis, I thought I’d be prepared when the day of reckoning began. 

But of course I wasn’t. By that time I was so disconnected by anything resembling normal behaviour that having 500 Open Ten Year Bonds in the biggest Employment announcement  of the month, I turned your basic million dollar hour wipeout into a monster I can’t believe I created and one so huge that on the Monday morning open session, the whole trading floor were talking about me. 

The exaggerated stories didn’t come close to reality. The market turned on me as the board members quickly voted what to do with the market pre-open price opening yet another $million or so down.

The board members were all grey-green & I was basically thought to have their retirements and bonuses in my hands. My final pleade was allow me to double up.  It fell on deaf ears.. 

It always also was painful but rewarded with my deep seated relief of myself.

…and my only Fear was the unpredictability of my own behaviour.


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