I understand things that I wish that I did not. And I think too much.
Sometimes at night when most of the country is asleep or at least should be, I think about what I need to remember to think about.
Let the idea of that sit with you for a minute.
I think about what sort of world I would be leaving my kids in today if for any reason I wasn’t here tomorrow.
I think about all the mistakes I’ve made of which there are many. I think about the obscene amount of money I have squandered through addiction and inexperience of life.
Time has been the only constant I have had in life outside of my family. It has been relentless in its push forward despite how I once ignored it and now try to hold it back.
And without me noticing, it has now turned into my enemy and since I can’t seem to outrun it, I know eventually I will have to face it or at least find some sort of acceptance of it.
I question much of what I was taught to accept as a child and now as an adult. I wonder why we continue to go to school for the best part of our childhood but come out and we can’t change a car tyre and know little more of the universe other than the sun or the moon and I have already taught them that they can reach the stars and beyond.
By far the worst of times though, would have to be when I am in the present moment and thinking about right now.
I try to convince myself that the morning vacuum of silence not waking with my kids exposes me to will not be permanent even though the damage caused might be.
I try to remember that I am not the person that I feel like right now or when times are at their worst on my roller coaster ride of 4am emotion. While I find true forgiveness comes from within , i am without.
Although we are governed by our behaviours we are not defined by them. What we do in order to survive is as much of using what tools or circumstances are available to us at any time as much as our underlying moral compass and environment.
I try to remember that I am a good man. That I care about my family with an intense and deep love.
And I try to remind myself that it was my small amount of life experience and the selfishness that comes with it, that I didn’t realise how much effect my actions and their consequences would have on them.
Ignorance is possibly the best form of self protection we have. We don’t know what we don’t know.
Until we reach a point where we realise life outside of ourselves, we can live a blissfully unaware life where repercussions and the damage done is either in the moment or doesn’t exist.
I see people sometimes too clearly. I wish I didn’t. It has cost me my closest friends, relationships and business opportunities. It has cost me money and changes the way in which I interact with others nowadays.
Which is not much. I am alone more than I am not and I rarely engage with the people around me.
I spend alot of time inside of my head and not enough outside of it. While I appreciate the world around me, I would prefer to think about the concepts of the universe and life itself.
And despite my ignorance and believing the myth of love and that it exists whether we choose to consciously accept it or not, I am in many ways still a believer in the underlying romance of the human condition.
Even though my own life no longer enjoys the mysterious and evolving concept of romantic love, I still believe it is vital and what makes us human and the vulnerability that comes with that makes us uniquely equal.
We have built a lot of our world and what we think we are, on a untrustworthy foundation of hypocrisy. We like to point out but rarely do we point in.
What is good for one is not necessarily good for another and our rating of worth is decided on the dollar, not by the cause or the effort.
We are all scared to some degree. And we are all trying to find our best way through. The up and downs and sideroads are as unavoidable as they are definite. That fear is often what many have let control our reactions to the unknown.
We need to remember that whatever we see at any given time isn’t the whole story. It’s not the person and not a definition of who they are.
It is a snapshot. A sentence on page in an unknown and unfinished book that has no title or defined ending.
It is a flash or a flame in a slow-burn fire that is in constant change and differing in appearance every single minute in still alight.
And finally, I feel sleep crawling over me as it takes me away from myself a little and will try to hold me for the next few hours. I will try to fight it in parts despite the tranquiliser it is from my consciousness.
But I will eventually beat its hold after my exhaustion of mind no longer gives it such an unfair advantage. And I will again be faced with my thoughts, my thinking, faced with the me within. The only me I know.